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Old 08-04-2005, 07:41 PM   #1
TX WJ
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Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men
 
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Default Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men

Oil Change Instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00



Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to auto parts store to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to liquor store; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife to make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00

Total: $4,165.00 But you know the job was done right!!!
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Old 08-04-2005, 07:57 PM   #2
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Jiffy Lube??

Driveway oil change>Jiffy Lube
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Old 08-04-2005, 07:57 PM   #3
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Default Re: Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men

Quote:
Originally Posted by TX WJ
Total: $4,165.00 But you know the job was done right!!!
You damn drucken right!!!
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Old 08-04-2005, 08:04 PM   #4
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Default Re: Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men

Quote:
Originally Posted by TX WJ
Oil Change Instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00
Are you sure that might be right? I'm guessing, if the Jiffy Lube was next to a mall or a store. Then they would go buy a new outfit, shoes, purse, get there hair done, eat lunch. About 2 or 3 hours later they finally go pick up there car and when they are finally done, they might have spend like $300 J/K Women!!!
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Old 08-04-2005, 08:54 PM   #5
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LOL

I change my own oil and I have spent time looking for my oil filter wrench and I have spilled oil on my garage floor (then spread kitty litter on it)...

Too funny...
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Old 08-05-2005, 10:24 AM   #6
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Default Re: Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men

Quote:
Originally Posted by WolfViper
Quote:
Originally Posted by TX WJ
Oil Change Instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00
Are you sure that might be right? I'm guessing, if the Jiffy Lube was next to a mall or a store. Then they would go buy a new outfit, shoes, purse, get there hair done, eat lunch. About 2 or 3 hours later they finally go pick up there car and when they are finally done, they might have spend like $300 J/K Women!!!
It wouldn't be funny if it weren't true! I get mine done at Walmart...i don't spend anywhere near 300 bucks but I do leave with a few bags. I don't hear complaints from the husband because he knows if he did, he'd be driving the damn cars out there himself!!!
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Old 08-06-2005, 07:55 AM   #7
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So that WAS you taking notes the last time I changed the oil in my truck. I thought I got more oil on myself than on the ground, though.
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Old 08-06-2005, 08:38 AM   #8
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Here's the well-known mirror image observation:

Men vs. Women at the ATM machine.

HIM:

1) Pull up to ATM
2) Insert card
3) Enter PIN number and account
4) Take cash, card and receipt

HER:

1) Pull up to ATM
2) Check makeup in rearview mirror
3) Shut off engine
4) Put keys in purse
5) Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6) Hunt for card in purse
7) Insert card
8) Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9) Enter PIN number
10) Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
11) Hit "cancel"
12) Re-enter correct PIN number
12A) Hit "cancel"
12B) Call husband to get correct PIN number
13) Check balance
14) Look for envelope
15) Look in purse for pen
16) Make out deposit slip
17) Endorse checks
18) Make deposit
19) Study instructions
20) Make cash withdrawal
21) Get in car
22) Check makeup
23) Look for keys
24) Start car
25) Check makeup
26) Start pulling away
27) STOP
28) Back up to machine
29) Get out of car
30) Take card and receipt
31) Get back in car
32) Put card in wallet
33) Put receipt in checkbook
34) Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35) Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36) Check makeup
37) Put car in gear, reverse
38) Put car in drive
39) Drive away from machine
40) Travel 3 miles
41) Release parking brake
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Old 08-06-2005, 08:11 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JJS
Here's the well-known mirror image observation:

Men vs. Women at the ATM machine.

HIM:

1) Pull up to ATM
2) Insert card
3) Enter PIN number and account
4) Take cash, card and receipt

HER:

1) Pull up to ATM
2) Check makeup in rearview mirror
3) Shut off engine
4) Put keys in purse
5) Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6) Hunt for card in purse
7) Insert card
8) Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9) Enter PIN number
10) Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
11) Hit "cancel"
12) Re-enter correct PIN number
12A) Hit "cancel"
12B) Call husband to get correct PIN number
13) Check balance
14) Look for envelope
15) Look in purse for pen
16) Make out deposit slip
17) Endorse checks
18) Make deposit
19) Study instructions
20) Make cash withdrawal
21) Get in car
22) Check makeup
23) Look for keys
24) Start car
25) Check makeup
26) Start pulling away
27) STOP
28) Back up to machine
29) Get out of car
30) Take card and receipt
31) Get back in car
32) Put card in wallet
33) Put receipt in checkbook
34) Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35) Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36) Check makeup
37) Put car in gear, reverse
38) Put car in drive
39) Drive away from machine
40) Travel 3 miles
41) Release parking brake

I would revise that and say Men vs. A Blonde Woman using the ATM.

I definetely do the 4 step procedure. I might fix my shirt or something, don't need to give the security pervs a free show! lol
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Old 08-06-2005, 10:11 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Heather2004
I definetely do the 4 step procedure. I might fix my shirt or something, don't need to give the security pervs a free show! lol
I wouldn't blame yea for doing that!
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Old 08-09-2005, 03:37 AM   #11
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Okay.. first a couple of comments on the oil change:
Jiffy Lube?
1) The man obviously did the oil change after the woman got the oil changed at Jiffy Lube since you had to "drive a screwdriver through the oil filter" to get it off... it's supposed to be on "hand tight" and then a quarter turn.
2) You forgot to mention the $300 you'll have to spend after some 16 year old kid that works at Jiffy Lube uses an air-wrench to put your drain plug back in, strips it and then the next time you do the oil change you can't get the damn plug out BECAUSE THE PLUG NOW HAS NO THREADS ON IT! This causes you to now drive it to the garage where they'll charge you to replace the oil pan. Then come to find that the transmission fluid that's been leaking in the driveway is from the same dumb Jiffy Lube kid who thought it'd be a great idea to fill the transmission all the way to the top of the dipstick.

Now, about the ATM:
Why is it I'm always behind this woman wherever I go? I followed her today all the way to work.
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