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Old 11-15-2006, 08:50 PM   #1
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Default In Honor of the New Consoles...The 10 Lamest Ones

http://www.gamedaily.com/features/?id=1175&page=1


Virtual Boy




Nintendo's done many things right over the last two decades: Donkey Kong, the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES), which gave legendary designer Shigeru Miyamoto free reign to produce countless best-selling products. But in 1995, it goofed tremendously by letting Game Boy creator Gunpei Yokoi ship this head-splitting disaster -- a cranium-crushing visor that displayed primitive 3-D graphics in two wondrous colors: red and black. The unwieldy units also prompted temple-scrunching headaches and severe eyestrain and, with good reason, most were left to rot underneath piles of untouched Power Rangers.


The Gizmondo




Ignore, for a minute, manufacturer Tiger Telematics' financial woes, the former executive's much-publicized, million-dollar Ferrari crash and the Swedish Mafia ties. What really irked us about the GPS- and Windows CE-sporting handheld (capable of playing games, movies and music, plus wireless multiplayer) was its sixth-rate software library and similarly styled functionality. Some hated on 2005's biggest portable flop for its abominable games, like Colors or Momma, Can I Mow the Lawn? We just dug the fact that even after dropping $229 on one, you'd still get hit with online ads three times a day.


Sega's Saturn




Many would rightly argue that Sega's 1995 foray into 32-bit gaming played host to several classic outings like NiGHTS and Panzer Dragoon. But from the perspective of sales performance/general popularity, Saturn stunk harder than Sonic the Hedgehog's presumably gold ring-scented droppings. First, it's revealed at annual May biz convention E3 that the unit shipped early, irking journalists and retailers (who'd received no earlier warning) that expected machines a full six months later. (The latter of whom responded by refusing to stock it...) Worse, the system promoted 2-D graphics when 3-D was the first PlayStation's biggest feature, leaving its days ironically numbered.


Action Max




True story. The year: 1987. Yours truly, like every other adolescent, wanted a Nintendo Entertainment System for the holidays. Too bad my father's employer partnered with toymaker Worlds of Wonder to market the Action Max, a "game" system that played primitive VHS tape shooting galleries. So imagine the horror that one chilly morning, when this chubby young lad awoke to find the light gun-based unit by his bed. Sweet: Instead of exploring the Mushroom Kingdom, I could now check how many ghosts, planes or subs I'd wasted -- and nothing more.


CDi




Never mind that it played host to the first, worst and sketchiest non-Nintendo developed or overseen Mario and Zelda outings (Hotel Mario and Zelda's Adventure). This interactive CD player, released by Philips in 1991, bit the big one when it came to value -- units sold for a staggering $700. Among its most compelling draws: the animated fantasy adventure Dragon's Lair and attractive, but static brainteaser The 7th Guest, neither praised for their scope or creativity. Although capable of running albums, video/photo CDs and software, the gizmo was better known as a pricey paperweight.


Nokia's N-Gage




Flash back to 2003. Telecommunications giant Nokia desperately wants a road into interactive entertainment. The bright idea: Fuse a portable console and cell phone into a unit so erroneously-designed that you must remove the battery to insert game carts and hold the system sideways to talk. Outdated favorites like Tomb Raider and Tony Hawk's Pro Skater filled the lineup and the gadget overwhelmingly resembled a Taco Bell #2 special. (Que bueno!) Released in 2004, the N-Gage QD follow-up corrected many of these problems, though it still suffered from a universal lack of enthusiasm and support.


The Atari Lynx



Love it or hate it, as the world's best-selling console, Nintendo's Game Boy gets a lot of play. Ditto even back in 1989, when it was a hefty, hardback book-sized beast capable of only piddling monochrome graphics. Therefore it's no surprise that Atari -- reeling from several failed set-top/desktop computer ventures -- wanted a slice of the pie. Enter the Lynx, an infinitely more powerful unit blessed with a full-color 3.5-inch screen, horizontal/vertical viewing perspectives and multiplayer networking capabilities. Its tragic downfall, however: The annoying penchant to drain six AA batteries in just four hours left buyers (especially cash-/patience-strapped parents) sorely nonplussed.


32X




Circa the early '90s, the unimaginable occurred: Sega wasn't just holding its own against Nintendo, but actually beating its rival in certain territories. Alas, Super Nintendo's debut in 1991 caused executives untold headaches: The newer, flashier machine offered more vivid colors, sharper visuals and slicker scrolling. Flustered, the house that Sonic built struck back with this 32-bit add-on in 1994, which (when inserted into the Genesis' cartridge slot) helped the machine play sleeker-looking and -handling games. One problem... Japanese corporate leaders never told their U.S. counterparts Saturn would launch mere months later, reducing third-party development efforts to nil shortly after.


3DO Interactive Multiplayer




Before premiering the well-received High Heat Baseball series, churning out endless Army Men sequels and becoming an industry laughingstock with Portal Runner, 3DO was known for this oddly intriguing $700 CD-based system. Introduced at the most inopportune time, however -- in 1993, while cartridge-using consoles were still selling for much less and full-motion video was at peak popularity -- the system was beyond most gamers' reach and interest. Despite the presence of stellar ports such as Street Fighter II Turbo and Road Rash, plus original winners including Killing Time and Gex, it quietly croaked even as planned follow-up the M2 was subsequently scrapped.


The Jaguar




In its final death throes, under the stewardship of notorious Commodore CEO Jack Tramiel, Atari cut corners to bring this so-called "first 64-bit console" to market. Worst of all, name-brand publishers were hard-pressed to show support, resulting in fewer than 60 games ever made it to market, including those compatible with the system's optional CD add-on. For irony's sake, we recommend buying one now to enjoy Tempest 2000 and snicker at White Men Can't Jump.



Of those I owned one: the 32X (Sega Genesis add-on). Never really used it enough to judge it. It's actually still sitting in my closet collecting dust.

Last edited by Chad; 11-15-2006 at 08:54 PM..
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Old 11-15-2006, 08:54 PM   #2
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HAHAHAHAHA Good Job man I totally forgot about the N-Gage I totally wanted one of those back in day
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Old 11-16-2006, 06:58 AM   #3
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Very nice!

Sega loved to try crazy things. BOTH the Sega CD and 32X "mated" with the Genesis console.

I think Sega's love of "crazy" is what put the Saturn on the list, too. Unfortunately for them, their definition of polygon meant 4 sides. So instead of 3rd Party developers using the standard triangle to create 3D images, they were forced to use squares, rhombi, and other oddly-named 4-side-a-gons. This made game development more difficult...and games looked "chunkier." So 3rd party games were slower to come by. Fewer games = fewer console sales. I admit I still have my Saturn, NiGHTS (analog stick controller!), and a couple of the Panzer games. It was great for those, but little else.
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Old 11-16-2006, 08:58 AM   #4
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My buddy had a Lynx, we thought is was fun, We also liked to pretned we were ninjas. I remember playing the CDi at Sams Club and thinking it was lame. Nice post Chad.
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Old 11-16-2006, 09:04 AM   #5
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I just read this on CNN or equiv. Good stuff. That Gizmondo has some MAJOR BAGGAGE as it was quite the scam.
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Old 11-16-2006, 09:06 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by teahupoo24
HAHAHAHAHA Good Job man I totally forgot about the N-Gage I totally wanted one of those back in day
That is still around. I see them now and then. Do not think there is any gaming going on there.

All of these systems are worth it if you find it cheap and the games. Some of them have some hidden jems (not N gage)
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Old 11-16-2006, 09:32 AM   #7
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i was reading this and i'm thinking, where the frick is the jaguar. then i saw it

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Old 11-16-2006, 11:24 AM   #8
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The 3DO was/is such a damn good system. I still have mine actually, and a crapload of games. I was a bit disappointed, and quite honestly pissed when they decided to scrap the system. It blew EVERYTHING out of the water that was out at the time. It's major drawback: It wasn't Sega or Nintendo.
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Old 11-16-2006, 11:37 AM   #9
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Quote:
Many would rightly argue that Sega's 1995 foray into 32-bit gaming played host to several classic outings like NiGHTS and Panzer Dragoon. But from the perspective of sales performance/general popularity, Saturn stunk harder than Sonic the Hedgehog's presumably gold ring-scented droppings. First, it's revealed at annual May biz convention E3 that the unit shipped early, irking journalists and retailers (who'd received no earlier warning) that expected machines a full six months later. (The latter of whom responded by refusing to stock it...) Worse, the system promoted 2-D graphics when 3-D was the first PlayStation's biggest feature, leaving its days ironically numbered.
I was a sega and nintendo fanboy. Talked bad about Playstation, like we tend to do about our love for certain brands. Like the early Commodore love windows bashing.

But that POS is the reason I went Playstation. I got it home thinking it would disappoint me. Not the case, back in the say PS1 ruled. Maybe some other consoles were better but I had so much fun on the PS1. I sold my old Nintendo and Genesis for some PS1 game money.
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Old 11-17-2006, 11:54 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RoadClosed
Like the early Commodore love windows bashing.
Commodore 64 games ROCKED. I remember spending entire snow days when school was out downloading stupid c-64 programs off a local BBS with a 300 baud modem.

Damn, what a geek I was...
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Old 11-17-2006, 02:40 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaJoker
The 3DO was/is such a damn good system. I still have mine actually, and a crapload of games. I was a bit disappointed, and quite honestly pissed when they decided to scrap the system. It blew EVERYTHING out of the water that was out at the time. It's major drawback: It wasn't Sega or Nintendo.
I loved the 3DO. It was too expensive to actually own, but my friends and I used to go down to the video game store and play it there all the time. It really was an outstanding system, but the cost of it is what really killed it.
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Old 11-17-2006, 03:07 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Silent Banky
I loved the 3DO. It was too expensive to actually own, but my friends and I used to go down to the video game store and play it there all the time. It really was an outstanding system, but the cost of it is what really killed it.
Nah, not really. You could get the Goldstar branded one for 250. Games prices were a bit more than anything else, but not outrageous by any means. And here folks are paying 600 for a PS3 and not blinking.
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Old 11-17-2006, 06:36 PM   #13
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I loved the Sega Saturn, it had the best ports of some of my favourite 2d fighters. Marvel Super Heros Vs. Street Fighter and Xmen vs Street fighter.

Didn't really play anything else really.
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Old 11-17-2006, 10:32 PM   #14
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I LOVED my sega cd. I went out and bought 'Night Trap' when parents, and the news were up in arms about how awful that game was for us teens. I wanted the 32x but I spent too much money on the sega cd to also afford the 32x.
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Old 11-19-2006, 11:49 PM   #15
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The Lynx was a terrific system, if used with an AC Adapter. The games blew away the Game Boy. Too bad they didn't get much support for it. It was much better than Sega's Game Gear.
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